one word: firstdatebathroomanal
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
