I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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