Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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