i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
