Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
