Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
