I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Alive.
So much puke
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
