he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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