I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
