I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize