I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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