I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
