u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
