I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
