I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize