Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
