You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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