Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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