This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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