after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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