Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
