She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
