im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
