Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
