God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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