Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize