Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Watching her eat just hurts me
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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