remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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