Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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