I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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