she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
