My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
