remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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