You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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