Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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