Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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