thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
