FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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