I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize