Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I need to stop coming to work sober
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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