peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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