You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
