make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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