you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
