If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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