hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
