I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
