You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize