Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
