Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
nutella sex= disaster
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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