guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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