It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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