idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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