I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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