you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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