I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
