I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
