I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Randomize
