i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
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