Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
