I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
