dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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