i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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