he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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