You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
